Archive for the ‘Vs.’ Category

Will Smith Vs. Tom Cruise

May 13, 2009

TOMMYWILLYCHASE

Creator’s note:  OBVIOUSLY this is purely fictional.  None of these events actually happened, blah, blah, blah.  This is just a look into my sordid mind to see how a comic book geek like me views the world.  I want to start a Vs. section of posts where I pit two celebrities/fictional characters/whathaveyou against each other and see who leaves from the scrap victorious.  The stories will be just like picture books in that I’ve included a hyperlink everywhere where action ensues.  I have included a video in those links to better flesh out the action on the page.

Will Smith was seen feverishly running down the streets of Los Angeles, right outside the Hollywood Scientology center the other day.  Citizens grew concerned as he kept yelling “HELP!  THEY’RE CRAZY!  THEY’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!” at the top of his lungs and stopping traffic in an effort to secure a ride.  As he managed to finally flag down a concerned, confused driver who offered him a lift, Tom Cruise tackled Smith firmly to the ground on his belly and began to slap hand-cuffs of some sort on the actor’s wrists.  As Tom performed what seemed like an everyday task, he looked up at the crowd, smiled, waved, and said “Nothing to see here folks.  This is just what can happen when you allow stress to contro-” Before Cruise could finish his sentence, Smith had bucked him off and was once again running at break-neck speeds down the street in between stopped traffic.  Cruise rose to his feet and calmly launched a grappling hook around the mega star’s feet, pulling him slowly back towards a laughing Cruise.  As Tom whipped out his cell phone to call in back-up, Smith pulled out a small, alien looking weapon and shot directly at Cruise.  Cruise ducked in the nic of time, but the kickback from the weapon sent Smith flying in the opposite direction as well.  As both stars scrambled to their feet, Smith, still terrified but with a slightly more confident air, pointed the gun directly at Cruise’s money-making mug and screamed, “One more step, Tom, and you know what the noisy cricket can do!”  Tom steadily dropped his arms, and in a hypnotic, trance like tone, calmly replied, “Now Will, is that really want you vant to do?  Come to me!”  As he repeated ‘Come to me’ in a weird, translyvanian accent, Smith, in a hypnotized stupor, dropped the weapon to his side and began to slowly move towards Cruise’s outstretched arms.  As Smith came closer, Cruise opened his mouth to reveal his monstrously large fangs.  As he began to close in on Smith’s neck, he whispered, “Shhh, it’ll all be alright, we’ll get you back to HQ and restart treatment.  Shhh…”  As Cruise began to nestle into Smith’s neck, a sleek, black Crown Vic roared up, blowing through traffic and screeched to a halt next to the awkward pair.  Tommy Lee Jones shot out in a dapper black suit and blasted Cruise with an unknown, alien-looking gun the size of a tree trunk.  “Take that you filthy Vampire/Scientist bastard!”  Jones then herded Smith’s seemingly unconscious form into the passenger side and leapt in the driver’s side of the Crown Vic as he sped off.  Cruise eventually scraped himself off the pavement and shook his fist in the air at no one in particular.  Bystanders quoted him as saying, “THIS ISN’T OVER JONES, NOT BY A LONG SHOT!!!”

Advertisements

Lily Allen Vs. Bat for Lashes

April 28, 2009

lilyvsbatty

Creator’s note:  OBVIOUSLY this is purely fictional.  None of these events actually happened, blah, blah, blah.  This is just a look into my sordid mind to see how a comic book geek like me views the world.  I want to start a Vs. section of posts where I pit two celebrities/fictional characters/whathaveyou against each other and see who leaves from the scrap victorious.  The stories will be just like picture books in that I’ve included a hyperlink everywhere where action ensues.  I have included a video in those links to better flesh out the action on the page.  The very first bout, LILY ALLEN VS. BAT FOR LASHES!!!  FIGHT!!!

Lily Allen and Bat for Lashes had been frequenting the same London night club for quite some time now without any altercations. Some said that the two actually got along swimmingly; most nights. However, April 25th was not most nights. Lily Allen had quickly become more intoxicated than she had hoped for and took to the stage. Bat was innocuously seated at a table with a few friends, in Lily’s way. In a dismissive gesture, a stumbling Lily accidentally spilled her drink all over Bat’s dress and her friend’s, as well. As Lily climbed onto the dance floor and began to gyrate her child-bearing hips to the beat of Klaxons, Bat came up from behind and politely tapped her on the shoulder. Lily swung around and Bat explained the situation and demanded a proper British apology. Lily told Bat to go blow a member of Parliament and continued to shake her groove thing, almost in a defiant, taunting manner. Bat took a step back, gauged the situation, and ran at Lily, full force, taking her out from behind with a massive clothesline. Lily, being inebriated, numb, and a scrapper, shot to her feet and sized up her equal-in-stature opponent. That’s when things got ugly. Lily reared back on her haunches and delivered a superkick the likes of Shawn Michaels to Bat, knocking her down. Lily then mounted the nearest table and dove off, delivering a massive elbow to Bat’s sternum. As Bat lay incapacitated, Lily began delivering mudhole-stomping boots to her face. Finally, a seemingly-victorious Lily sauntered off with her arms in the air and declared victory by grinding against some faceless man. Unbeknownst to Lily, however, Bat was using her crazy-witch powers to restore her strength and summon the four horseman of the apocalypse. The horsemen rode in on BMX bikes with animal masks on and began brutally assualting Lily. Eventually, she didn’t know which way the bruisings were coming from. The club patrons had cleared a circle by now and were astonished by the scene that was unfolding in front of them. As the horseman Death came in to deliver the final blow to Lily, she ducked and sent Death crashing into Pestilence, who in turn took out Famine. Allen recovered and sent War a finishing roundhouse kick that took off his head in a clean break. With Allen and Bat one on one again, and a new wind in Allen, things looked rough. But Bat looked to the sky, started mumbling some crazy nonsense and then groaned in a mannish falsetto, “Daniel.” None other than the Karate Kid himself appeared in between Allen and Bat. Facing Allen, the Karate Kid bowed and then proceeded to demolish Allen before she could even cock her head to the side in confusion. After a firm pummeling, the Karate Kid backed off to give Bat the finishing blow. Bat simply walked up to Lily and blew her a kiss in an attempt to gracefully knock the battered Allen over. Despite the planned, poetic finisher Allen unconsciously stayed on her feet. So, Bat simply head-butted her to the ground, walked over her body in a heap on the dance floor, and left with her friends as the club patrons merely looked on, frozen in terror.